Stop Pain-Shopping: Why the Detective Phase of Betrayal is a Trap

The first few days (even weeks) after discovering betrayal are a blur of adrenaline and agony. You are in shock. Your brain is scrambling to make sense of a reality that no longer fits.

In that chaos, I did what most men do. I became a detective. I was a digger. I learned how to unlock the phone. I tracked locations. I cross-referenced timestamps. I spent hours upon hours staying up all night, sleuthing and digging. I was trying to find out every dirty detail. I thought that if I could see the whole picture, I could control the pain.

Trauma expert Michelle Mays calls this "finding the edges of the betrayal." It is a normal safety-seeking mechanism. You are trying to figure out how big the hole is so you don't fall back in. However, I found that the hole had no bottom.

The Illusion of "Intel"

I thought my detective work was helping me. I thought I was gathering intel. In reality, I was pain-shopping. Pain-shopping is when you go looking for information that you know will hurt you, under the guise of "needing to know." It felt good for a fleeting moment to find a new piece of evidence because it validated my suspicion. It proved I wasn't crazy. But that satisfaction was instantly replaced by a fresh wave of nausea.

I remember the exact moment I discovered that this wasn't the first time. The timeline went back further than I imagined. I didn't know what to do with that energy. It produced so much anger that I felt like I was going to explode.

I went outside, grabbed a shovel, and started digging up my backyard. I wasn't gardening. I was raging. I banged the shovel against the hard ground over and over again. To the neighbors, I must have looked like a madman. I was a madman. I was a man trying to dig the pain out of his chest with a garden tool.

The Distraction of the "Other Guy"

During my investigation, I became obsessed with the affair partner. Who was he? What did he have that I didn't? Here is what I learned later: The other participant isn't that important! He is a prop. He was used just as much as you feel used by your wife. In many cases, the affair partner is just as deceived and lied to as you are. Focusing on him is a tactical error. It keeps your eyes off the real issue. You are staring at the weapon instead of the wound.

A Better Strategy

I will never fault a man for becoming a detective. It is part of the process. I will never make you feel bad for checking the phone or digging for the truth. However, I want to save you the unnecessary suffering. Digging for details diverts your attention for a few moments, but it does not soothe the pain inside. It usually just infects you with more images that you can never unsee. If you are in the first few hours, days, or weeks, please put down the shovel. Here are two things you should do instead.

1. Tactical Physical Discharge My instinct to grab the shovel was actually correct; my execution was just chaotic. When you discover betrayal, your body is flooded with cortisol and adrenaline. You are in fight-or-flight mode. You cannot "think" your way out of this. You have to burn it out.

Instead of scrolling through texts at 2 AM, go for a sprint. Put on a heavy rucksack and walk until your legs burn. Hit a heavy bag. You need to exhaust the body so the mind can rest. Channel the rage into controlled physical exhaustion, not destructive digging.

2. Anchor in the "Knowns."The detective phase is an attempt to solve the unknown. Did she love him? Did they go there? You can chase those ghosts forever.

Instead, grab a piece of paper and write down the "Knowns."

• I am a father.

• I am good at my job.

• I have survived 100% of my bad days.

• My value is not determined by her fidelity.

  
  

Anchor yourself in the things that are true about you. The details of the affair are the story of her brokenness. The "Knowns" are the foundation of your reconstruction.

Stop Digging!

You don’t need to know every detail to realize you’re hurt. You’ve hit the edge. The betrayal is undeniable. Stop dwelling on past pain and take charge of your future.

Are you trapped in the detective phase? It's time to move forward. https://www.brilliantlifecollective.com/ and let’s get you out of the fog and onto solid ground.